1. I am resilient
This pandemic has not been my first WTF moment of my mid-thirties. Remember the time I left my dream job, moved across the state while very pregnant, had a baby, knew almost no one, and also my dad, grandma, and aunt all died suddenly within six months? Plus an ER trip with a newborn? Oh and that (THANKFULLY SOLO) bed bug we found that one time? 2019 prepped me well for 2020.
Resiliency is being able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. I’m still standing. (Well, sitting really, it’s naptime for the girls, so you better believe my feet are up) I’m still here. I had rough days and weeks, and I may have the scars to show for it, but I wasn’t crushed. But that resiliency was also dependent upon me making a plan to survive–see #2.
2. Make a plan for self-care/mental health
I wrote an entire post on self-care over at Toledo Moms but the gist is this: you have to take care of yourself or no one else will. And also: sometimes self care is pedicures and bubble baths, but sometimes it is also exercising, talking to a therapist (in person or via FaceTime), living within a budget, eating a healthy meal, sleeping more than six hours, and so on. This might be my proudest accomplishment this year, that I took control of my mental & emotional health and made the changes needed to be the healthiest version of myself.
3. I am so incredibly lucky privileged
Justin didn’t lose his job because of the pandemic and related shut-downs. Not only was he able to work from home, but set up a workspace in a room with a door. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, so the schools shutting down in the spring was a significant disruption, but never a major issue for our family budget. Also because I’m home, I was able to take over Lucy’s education this fall (also: she’s FOUR…I’m not teaching long division or physics over here). We have access to great healthcare and we have insurance. We can also afford to isolate if needed in order to visit family on occasion. Our grocery stores are stocked and offer curbside pick-up, for heaven’s sake!
4. Bad moments, not bad days
This has been a new mindset for me, a recovering perfectionist. I’m totally guilty of the latter part–when I’m approaching a spiral, it just takes one tiny thing for me to go all Chicken Little on my family. The sky is falling, the world is ending! But when every day feels nearly the same as the day before, I can’t bear so many bad days in a row. But if I consider them bad moments? Much more manageable. Losing my temper with my oldest? Bad moment, not a bad day. A bad moment offers space for redemption and leaves room for joy.
5. You can teach an old dog new tricks
I always assumed I wasn’t a very good cook. But what I realized was that I was simply intimidated by what I didn’t know. I would avoid a recipe if it had more than about three or four steps. Signing up for HelloFresh (which initially was just to give us some variety in lieu of eating out) taught me so much about chopping vegetables, making sauces, and seasoning meats that I feel so much more comfortable in the kitchen now.
6. Truth is subjective, apparently
When I was in middle school and learning how to research for papers, there were rules about what counted as a “good source.” Good sources came from professionals and experts with firsthand knowledge who were revered in their fields. Good sources were fact-checked and referenced other works appropriately. Good sources did not rely on just one piece of information. Whether it was the ever expanding reach of the internet (where literally anyone can “publish” anything), or the influx of rookie leaders amongst the seasoned ones (Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, even perhaps Barack Obama), or a dissatisfaction with one’s experience of the “American Dream,” or some combination of all those, it seems truth has become subjective. And when truth is subjective, it means that I am the judge. And when I am the judge, I will, of course, make decisions that best fit my preferences or needs, before (or it all) considering the needs of others. Frankly–this has been a terrifying shift in culture.
7. The world doesn’t necessarily need more kindness
I’ve seen so many well-meaning memes and ad campaigns encouraging kindness this year. “It doesn’t cost anything to kind!” “Let’s bring kindness back!” “Make America Kind Again!” And listen, I’m all for it. But we don’t just need to be nice to Shipt shoppers or polite to our neighbors. What we actually need is emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is being aware of, controlling, and expressing one’s emotions, and handling interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. If I’m angry, and I don’t realize how angry I am or why I’m angry, I can’t just be told to “be kind.” It’s like trying to stretch a too-small shirt over a much-bigger body. It fits, but it’s not going to last. I’ve been meditating on this poem by Rumi and its implications for how I experience my emotions.
8. Kids are resilient
“Kids can’t learn in masks!” “Kids can’t learn online!” “They are falling behind!” “They won’t come back from this!” I’m not a psychologist or sociologist, but here’s my take. I think resiliency is tied to getting our basic needs met first. Remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs from your Psych101 class? Are our kids’ basic needs for food and shelter being met? Do they feel safe? If the answers are yes, we are in a good place for resiliency to flourish. Are our kids finding some sort of relational connection, even if it’s just from family? Great. We’re climbing that pyramid of needs together. Your kids (and my kids) will be okay. Will they be a little behind in math? Maybe. Will they need some extra time with their physical therapist or reading specialist? Maybe. But say this with me: the kids will be okay. And so will you.
9. Kids are also awesome
I am very serious when I say I don’t know how I would have survived this past year without my girls. I missed plenty of sleep and surely more exciting events, but I laughed and snuggled and read books. I marked the passage of time with my baby’s milestones. We may still be wearing masks and doing curbside pickup, but my baby is walking (basically running) now and giggling and playing. I can see progress and growth when I look at her and it has kept me sane.
10. Enjoy the simple things
One of my favorite things right now is walking to the mailbox. Seriously. The mail for all the homes in our neighborhood is delivered to one central box, so we all have to walk to the front of the neighborhood to retrieve it. It’s approximately a two minute walk, but it’s a daily routine and often something I am able to do alone after dinner, while Justin stays with the girls. I take deep breaths, feel the cold air on my face, and enjoy the few moments of quiet before I re-enter the chaos. Last week I took a detour on my way home, enjoying the crunch of the snow under my boots, admiring the sparkle of it under the streetlights.
To be continued…
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