Ode to the Girl Dad

My husband and I have three daughters: the oldest is almost five, the next is almost two, and our bonus baby is almost born. He is a certified Girl Dad, and even has the shirt to prove it. I grew up with a sister, no brothers, so a female-dominated household is my normal. My husband was an only child.

The popularization of the phrase “Girl Dad” has been growing for years (much like “Boy Mom”), but it perhaps received a huge boost in popularity from the late Kobe Bryant, who once told an ESPN anchor he’d have five more girls if he could. “Be grateful that you’ve been given the gift [of daughters] because girls are amazing!” Kobe reportedly told Elle Duncan.

The funny thing about being a Girl Dad is that you have no choice in the matter…and yet at the same time, you do.

Generally speaking, you can’t choose the sex of your unborn child. It’s something of a coin flip every time. Admittedly, every soon-to-be parent has wishes and expectations as they meet their newborn for the first time (or at that 20 week ultrasound). Gender Disappointment is a very real thing (and finally people are talking about it!), and it’s completely natural to have some grief for missed or unrealized expectations. I was sure that each of my children was a boy, based on all sorts of feelings and reasons…and I had to process the very real news that all three of them anatomically presented as girls (and have thus far seemed to live into their female gender).

The reality is that parenthood is a series of missed or unrealized expectations. What we expect to be easy (or at least, easier), is incredibly difficult. What we expect to enjoy, exhausts us. What we expect to bore us, fascinates us. What we expect to ignore, we obsess over. What we expect to grieve, we often celebrate.

For some reason our society expects families to have a gender balance–at least one boy and one girl. If you have two boys, you’ll be asked “Will you try for a girl next?” (Sidenote: This kind of question infuriates me, no matter how jokingly it’s asked. We’re talking about creating a life, not gambling on chance. It’s a person, not a bet.) Tonight a random stranger in Target asked my husband what it was like living in a house of all girls. The question took him by surprise, first because the pandemic made us all forget how to have small talk, but second because…what? He shook his head slowly and said, “No, there’s really no difference that I can see. They play and build forts and go to bed.” A couple months back, a mutual friend had joked that clearly my husband didn’t have enough testosterone to produce a male child. It was a completely inappropriate comment, and met with a deserving silence, even moreso because the man speaking was the father of two girls himself.

This is twenty-first century America–are we still really valuing boys more than girls? Are we still idealizing the husband/wife/son/daughter nuclear combo? Are we still so afraid of something different?

I digress.

You can’t choose to be the father of girls, but you can choose to be a Girl Dad.

A Girl Dad is all in.

Whether he has always dreamed of being a dad, or he’s finding his way, he gives it his all. He makes sacrifices big and small, and constantly strives to be a better parent. A Girl Dad may dream of tickets to the Final Four, but he also dreams about family trips to National Parks. He builds with MagnaTiles, clinks plastic tea cups, assembles couch forts and intricate dollhouses alike.

A Girl Dad is fearless…and teaches his girls to be fearless too.

He isn’t afraid of what others might think of him–it only matters what his girls think. He isn’t afraid of looking silly–he’s in it for the giggles. He’ll climb the highest part of the playground alongside his girl, just to show her that she can do it. A Girl Dad is secure in who he is, comfortable in his own skin, and leads his girls to be confident as well.

A Girl Dad puts his family first.

He’ll give his all at work for an 12 hour day, but make sure to handle bedtime. He always makes sure to FaceTime his girls when he’s on a business trip. Weeknights and weekends are for family time. Over breakfast he asks, “Should we go to the zoo or the park today?” Girl Dads build college savings plans into their annual budget, even when that means there isn’t much left for their hobbies. He doesn’t pretend not to hear a child crying in the middle of the night–sometimes he’s out of bed faster than his spouse.

A Girl Dad is his girls’ biggest fan.

Encouragement may or may not come naturally to him, but his girls always hear praise and affirmation from his lips. They never question his love or commitment. He papers his office walls with their drawings and notes. If his girls are interested in it, he is too. He’ll even dress up as Prince Charming for his four year old to be Cinderella.

A Girl Dad isn’t limited by gender stereotypes or expectations.

A Girl Dad knows his daughter may love ballet or soccer or chess, but it doesn’t matter–he’s there for it. He isn’t afraid of her gender because he knows that she can be or do just about anything she sets her mind to. He values her as a person and loves every part of her. He’ll help with math homework or talk about the physics of roller coasters, he will teach her the proper way to use tools, and he’ll bring her to football games…if that’s what she likes. A Girl Dad won’t shy away from a conversation or send her to Mom out of his own discomfort, no, he’ll show up and ask the hard questions, listen to her fears, and offer her his love.

A Girl Dad is all in.

Let’s be real: this isn’t just about Girl Dads.

There’s a difference between a father and a Dad of any kid, no matter their gender.

A man can choose whether he wants to be a father or a Dad, and my husband is a Dad.

And our girls are the Luckiest.