My baby turned one and I didn’t cry

My baby turned one and I didn’t cry.

My baby, my second-born baby, turned one and I didn’t cry.

My last, final, no-more-pregnancies-please baby turned one and I didn’t cry.

I wondered…am I sort of heartless? Are my emotions so worn out from the roller coaster of 2020 that I can’t access them without trauma? Do I not love this child as much as her older sister?

No, Possibly, and No.

My baby turned one and I’m excited. Seriously. It’s not an excitement born from the tediousness or exhaustion of infant life. I don’t look back on her early months with resentment. There was a kind of sweetness to the “up every 2 hours to nurse” nights early on. Since she was my last baby, I knew these nights wouldn’t be forever. I watched every single episode of Queer Eye during those middle of the night wake-ups (especially when she had RSV), and my body’s reaction to the Netflix “doo doo” sound byte is still incredibly visceral. No, I won’t miss the constant crying or the up-the-back blow-outs, but that’s not why I’m excited.

My baby turned one and I’m excited. Don’t get me wrong…I have savored and enjoyed, as best I could, all of the baby moments. If there was an extra moment to snuggle, I snuggled. If there was a precious outfit on sale, I added it to her wardrobe (alongside her hand-me-downs, of course). If she wanted to be carried, I carried her while I made dinner. My husband and I decided in the beginning that we wanted two, and now we have two, and we are so, so grateful. This one-year old baby is a rainbow baby after all, and we don’t take that lightly. I took monthly photos and filled her baby book with notes and milestones.

My baby turned one and I’m excited for what’s ahead. I love watching her learn and discover new skills and experiences. Today she tasted cow’s milk and giggled. She plunged her chubby hands into her birthday cake, and then stuffed her icing-covered fists into her mouth, “mmmmm”-ing with delight over and over. She chases her sister on hands and knees and I’m excited to see her learn to walk and run. She’s making sounds and I’m excited to see what words her lips begin to form. With a three year gap between my daughters, I feel like I have a sneak peek to all the goodness and excitement ahead for her. I’m excited for what this means for our family, for the beauty of two little girls playing in the sand at the beach, for the planning of Disney World trips, for the matching outfits, for watching them learn to love the world by loving each other. I’m excited to see what will pique her interest–will she love dresses and princesses like her older sister? Will she keep choosing books and crawling into my lap with them? Will she be a daredevil? A builder? A performer? An artist? An adventurer?

My baby turned one and I didn’t cry. I tried to. I summoned every tear-jerking thought I could, and all I felt was joy and gratitude. My baby turned one and I’m overflowing with gratitude, contentment, and joy.

Happy Birthday Baby Bear. You are loved more than you know.